This is Unbelievable.

I cannot believe this. For once in my life, I am actually...HAPPY. There! I said it! Mary Collins has FINALLY achieved the unachievable! She's HAPPY!!! Mmmmm. Feels good. :) Maybe it was that fabulous phone conversation I had on Friday for quite a length of time. ;) Or perhaps it was the glass beads I bought on Saturday and the first thing I made that was any good was for you. I so crave to make you happy that it's making me happy. Which is totally crazy and insane, that people should lock me up somewhere but this is odd..I'm actually looking FORWARD to things now. Like prom when I don't even have a date or a dress yet! (My mom is making my mock-up dress currently so she can get used to the pattern.) I'm looking forward to next year until someone brings me down because I REALLY want to go to WGI World next year, and I'm going to try my hardest to get us there and encourage people that if they want to, they're going to have to focus and work their hardest as well and not have us drag them there. Mr. Palmer also wants us to go to USSBA National Championships but he said that'll take at least 3 years, and that makes me really sad because I won't get to be a part of it unless something REMARKABLE happens this year. Which I doubt but I'm going to make sure we are so much better than last year that anyone would be able to tell a difference. Even thickheaded Mrs. Hogue who thinks her daughter is SOOOO the better drum major than me. :P Doubtful. I don't look forward to the practices we're going to have to have with her. Good thing Mr. Palmer's going to try to be there for some of them so I don't have to "take" advice from her. Apparently I'm arrogant about this whole thing, but honestly, it's my year and I'm tired of being stepped on. Oh well. Practice starts this Thursday and nothing can bring me down. I kinda wish he would show up for the practice Thursday so I can "extend" the practice time a little bit so we can get together. ;) You should try to do that. Please? You know you won't regret it. But I'm feeling so much better today. I'm even in a good mood when I'm arguing. ARGUING! :) It's insanity! Heather said I was on shrooms today and I didn't believe her until now. :)

MC

I Think I Need a Rock

So I was told I have all this instability in my life because nothing in my life has been consistent. I need a "rock" so to speak. I dumbly never realized that I always constantly have one and that is God. I went to church on Sunday for the first time in a LONG time it felt like, and I just worshipped and felt so renewed because I really got where I'm supposed to be everyday with God. And Sunday night I had the special music and it has been getting less and less nerve-racking each time I play in front of people. Sure, Jerry switched up the tempo on me even when we practiced it 5 times and he was the one that suggested we play it faster when he played it slower for the performance, but I'm not upset, and so many people enjoyed it and I got to show people what God has gifted me with and what he is still doing in my life. And that's most important. But shortly before that a couple of my "friends" decided to be real jerks and start some drama with me over something totally stupid. Josh Kerr and Brad McKee learned that I am talking to Christopher again, and they got upset. Kerr thinks I absolutely love drama and that Christopher is a manwhore and I'm stupid for going back to him. B-rad thinks the same but he chooses to word it more colorfully and say "dumbass"...oh and he told me last night he wanted to kill me. Literally. I didn't believe him but apparently it's true. I stopped talking to him, and I fear he knows too much about me. He called me a "bandwhore" whatever that is...I just laughed at him. A lot. He just continued to spit insults at me and I just continued to let them bounce off me...whatever. I'm too chill and hopped up to care. Not on drugs, but I have no idea what it is. Maybe it's just this time of the year...even though Mother Nature and Father Time must be having a fight because it was SOOO freaking cold this morning. I literally thought that when I was walking up from my car. Oh exciting news, I think I get to see him this week. :) If all goes well and I can make some plans for that Thursday, I'll be sitting in a romantic spot at Warriors with the only love of my life. :) Hopefully, all is well that will end well. And I pray that this ends well.

MC

As Untitled As They Get.

Things haven't been getting better. Or really worse. Somethings make me happy while others just frustrate me. Right now I'm tenetively staying in a sort of mellow state of mind. I really couldn't care less right now. But for some reason I don't want those two to stop talking to me. One has no problem, but the other couldn't be more closed up. He's trying I think, and I can see that at times, I'm just not important anymore. Or I'm not as important. I just don't think I'm important to him. I know he wants to be friends, at least I get that vibe from him sometimes, but he's a socially awkward kid and I'm not. At all. When I break up with someone or when they break up with me, I always try to stay close to them. I guess I'll always have some type of social attachment, and that's what brings me down and holds me up. So many things are going on and not going on. I have no stability and I don't know what to do. I feel dazed and confused and everything is changing. And all so quickly. Too quickly in fact.

MC

Colby's Gone

After what I would call a heated "date" on Wednesday, he broke up with me via text on the way to Orlando when our bus broke down and we had to wait 3 hours to get another. What a douche. He wouldn't tell me that he liked this other not single girl because he already knew he was a douche and he refuses to admit it. And for some reason I am still attracted to him. Even though I'm better off without him and he doesn't deserve me. He tried to have sex with me on the 5th day of us dating. I told him no. 4-5 hours later we're not together anymore. Oh and to put icing on the cake, he's not going to prom with me anymore because he thinks it'll be awkward and he doesn't want to put himself in an awkward situation. You know what, he's the only one that is making this awkward between us. We weren't dating before we decided to go to prom together, I didn't think it would change afterwards, but it did. So I guess I'm not going to prom this year. I really wanted to go and my mom already bought the fabric for the dress. It'll just get wrinkled when we put it in storage so I guess I'm screwed. Unless anyone randomly decides they want to take me, I'm not going...well, what if I got a single ticket, and CJ got a single ticket, we could secretly go together...but CJ wants to go with Brianna. But I don't know, things are complicated and I don't want them to be. Today was pretty easy because I got to go on a field trip running on 4-5 hours of sleep. So tonight will be my catch-up night on everything, so I'd better get started.

MC

Can I Kill Her? I Really Want to Kill Her..

So there's this girl, and she really doesn't know when to shut up. She has now completely immersed herself in his life when it seems like I can be in it at all. I just want to kick her ever-loving ass. And he can't do it because he has to be sweet and nice to this chick because he can't look like a jerk-ass from Odessey. I have no idea why I'm freaking out over this AGAIN. Call it jealousy, on some levels, yes it is. He assures me he would never go for that, but that doesn't mean that she won't go for you. As we both know, having a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't mean other people are off limits. And I'm pretty sure she digs you. No matter if you don't dig her. She's like an Ashley Nunley, Christopher. It doesn't matter that you don't want her, she's always going to want you (sorry I had to bring up bad memories and mental images but the point had to be made(remember that first time we broke up and she offered...to you? HAHAHA that's stuck in your head FOREVER NOW!!))(((I'm such a jerk)))((((But you love me. :))))) So I'll be at Disney and probably won't be able to be back on here until Monday night so...

Wumbo,
MC

Planting Pansies

So yesterday I was stuck at my great grandmother's house in a black tank top planting pansies at her house. I do not feel happy when I get hot. In fact I get really cranky. And Ashley told me about going to the park and I really wanted to go but we weren't leaving in time so I was getting frustrated. Plus I wanted to get the best pizza on the planet and I had it all planned out, but instead I got a freaking calzone, which was good but the fact that my plans had to change upset me. You were the only person I was consistently talking to and so I took my anger and frustration out on you. I'm sorry I had to be like that but my mother was already getting mad at me for being difficult because obviously when that happens I'm doing something wrong nowadays. She just can't possibly accept the fact that it could be just her making me mad or all the heat outside because it was pretty freaking hot yesterday. I'm much better today, even though we still can't talk, but I have to be in a good mood for Disney. :)

MC

Could We Just Forget It?

No, we can't forget it. Sisterhood is no longer sacred and loving and mothers no longer care about bothering their daughters about problems long gone. Graves must be rehashed just to bring the ugliness back out to show everyone how the world decomposes already rotting flesh because of the nastiness inside that they chose to let in. Love and trust are no longer given out freely. They must be kept buried inside to show no one as the world walks around in a masquerade while I am in the middle with my bleeding, aching heart exposed for all to see. Feelings are no longer precious as they are thrown and mashed together like the dead on a battlefield. Heartbreak warfare is all I can't withstand. My heart seems to be my strength and also my weakness, but how can it be both? I'm supposed to work on my weaknesses to be able to prove myself strong enough to make the right decisions. Decisions can be different for each person. But wrongs are never right. Apparently I don't know right from wrong anymore because my mind has been formed into the perfect key for someone to take advantage of me. For anyone to take advantage of me. I'm supposed to prove my moral character before I can talk to him again. For now I have to serve myself and whomever else I happen to be dedicated to. For now, farewell.

MC

The End of the 40 Days

Well we made it. In a bunch of pieces, sure, but we made it. I learned last night that Christopher called my mother and apologized which is a really big thing for him to do and I'm really impressed and proud of him. Colby...has proven himself as to be out of control and quite gentleman-like as well. He opened my door for me when we left for frisbee golf and from frisbee golf. He didn't make any moves on me...I had to start holding his hand even. Christopher is being paranoid and possessive as always and sometimes he can be really cute and adorable and I don't know what to do about that. Both of them are equally precious and equally overprotective. Certain things are questionable about Colby and everything seems to be shaky for Christopher on top of my initial foundation. I'm curious to see how this all pans out...as I have said since the beginning. Hope you're doing well in college, and I hope he gets ungrounded so he can get back on Facebook.

MC

The First Date

Well today begins the first test for Colby...and for Chris as well. Colby and I are going to play some frisbee golf while Chris is confined to hisi room because of his being sick with the flu. Colby seems to be excited while Chris is getting jealous and keeps insisting for me to try to see him today, which is virtually impossible. I'm looking forward to see how this will pan out with Colby and how Christopher will take the stress of knowing I'm going out with another guy. Colby is supposed to pick me up and bring me back here for dinner with my parents and a movie. My mom was skeptical saying that it's a little early for "Toby" to be coming to eat dinner with us. I didn't know it was a big deal and Colby didn't seem to mind, but I asked him again just in case and he hasn't replied yet since he's been working all day. I got yelled at for not blogging, so here you go. This is all you get.

MC

The End of the Beginning and so much more...

Okay, so I might have made things a lot harder than they had to be. I have no idea what I want. I'll just get that out of the way right now. I felt like I wanted Chris but what if being with him wasn't right? What if God had something else in store for me in His Big Plan for my life. All I wanted was to try something new. And if Chris and I were truly meant to be together than God would make ways for us to be together, but right now it seems like He's doing EVERYTHING to keep me away from Chris. I just decided to see what would happen. It ripped Chris apart. Completely. And it pained me so much to see him go through all that. So much that I almost tried to take it all back for it to stop, but I knew this was what I had to do. I knew something was wrong with our relationship when he started giving up some really important stuff for me and making bad decisions. Like when he quit Spirit. That just completely blew my mind. I told him that it was fine for him to do it and that would be the best decision to make but he chose to quit anyways to "see" me all summer. Which would be virtually impossible considering all the crap I would get from my parents. More arguments would ensue and I would just get grounded more, not because they would catch me with Chris (I'm more sneaky than that), but because of me always dodging around and not being honest and trustworthy. They would totally tell and they would check my phone bill just to be sure and sure enough they would find stuff from him. Then I would get my phone taken away AGAIN and be astronomically grounded. My whole summer would be ruined. Plus he LOVES corps. He always told me tales of how he was going to get started in some small drum corps and then move on up to the big boys before he aged out. Now he has one less year to do that. All because of me. And on other days he would miss classes to come and see me. That's just uncalled for no matter how "romantic" it is. Because I must admit it was a storybook example of what a guy should do to woo a girl. But in moderation, even if you do give up something big like college to see her. And I'm not so sure that all of my priorities were in the right place. Plus I would have more than likely broken my promise to stay pure until I'm married because...he's so persuasive to me. Even now he is. I'm not proud to admit it but he is. And that's the way it is. I'm a little apprehensive about this thing with Colby though (not even a relationship) because he's a little shy and weird around me and he's more bold when we're not together, but I guess that's something to get used to. We just have to hang out a lot more. We have all the time together at Disney to hang out even though I doubt we're on the same bus for the way down there. But I'm sort of curious to see how this all pans out. Even though it feels like a giant game of chess. The slightest wrong move could end the game and you would lose...the greatest and most epic game in history. It's called "love".

MC