The End of the Beginning and so much more...

Okay, so I might have made things a lot harder than they had to be. I have no idea what I want. I'll just get that out of the way right now. I felt like I wanted Chris but what if being with him wasn't right? What if God had something else in store for me in His Big Plan for my life. All I wanted was to try something new. And if Chris and I were truly meant to be together than God would make ways for us to be together, but right now it seems like He's doing EVERYTHING to keep me away from Chris. I just decided to see what would happen. It ripped Chris apart. Completely. And it pained me so much to see him go through all that. So much that I almost tried to take it all back for it to stop, but I knew this was what I had to do. I knew something was wrong with our relationship when he started giving up some really important stuff for me and making bad decisions. Like when he quit Spirit. That just completely blew my mind. I told him that it was fine for him to do it and that would be the best decision to make but he chose to quit anyways to "see" me all summer. Which would be virtually impossible considering all the crap I would get from my parents. More arguments would ensue and I would just get grounded more, not because they would catch me with Chris (I'm more sneaky than that), but because of me always dodging around and not being honest and trustworthy. They would totally tell and they would check my phone bill just to be sure and sure enough they would find stuff from him. Then I would get my phone taken away AGAIN and be astronomically grounded. My whole summer would be ruined. Plus he LOVES corps. He always told me tales of how he was going to get started in some small drum corps and then move on up to the big boys before he aged out. Now he has one less year to do that. All because of me. And on other days he would miss classes to come and see me. That's just uncalled for no matter how "romantic" it is. Because I must admit it was a storybook example of what a guy should do to woo a girl. But in moderation, even if you do give up something big like college to see her. And I'm not so sure that all of my priorities were in the right place. Plus I would have more than likely broken my promise to stay pure until I'm married because...he's so persuasive to me. Even now he is. I'm not proud to admit it but he is. And that's the way it is. I'm a little apprehensive about this thing with Colby though (not even a relationship) because he's a little shy and weird around me and he's more bold when we're not together, but I guess that's something to get used to. We just have to hang out a lot more. We have all the time together at Disney to hang out even though I doubt we're on the same bus for the way down there. But I'm sort of curious to see how this all pans out. Even though it feels like a giant game of chess. The slightest wrong move could end the game and you would lose...the greatest and most epic game in history. It's called "love".

MC